It seems that this is more common than I realised when I wrote the post. 6. Your article hits the nail on the head and Im grateful youve put my feelings into words. . Ive felt guilty to mourn him; he was already gone from my life so I felt I had been through that already. I adamantly resisted at first. I honestly thought when the day would come that we heard of his passing I would feel relief. I felt I couldnt move on as long as he was in my life, however intermittent. I regret going in the huff instead of being the grown up and just doing what I had tried to motivate myself to do for a decade- to go and meet him- as two years went by then I found out when scrolling down his wifes fb wall (on her new account) that her daughter had a stone made with my dads ashes- I scrolled a bit further and found that he died. He was an adult who decided his 12 year old daughters existence was more of a liability than it was worth. There were times he would call my mom around the holidays and say he was sorry for what he had done and the pain he had caused. Thank you. And I know the comment has already been made about feeling conflicted about whether or not I even deserved to feel that sadness. Thank you so much for this post Erica! I dont judge those friends, because I didnt knew this is how grieving an estranged parent looks like, it was a surprise for me too and I had to research after my neighbor made me accept my grieving. I can only describe it as grieving for what never was and what now will never be. X. I am hoping in time I will be able to finally feel peace. I was the first person in my family to graduate college. Look, If you need anything please call me and tell them no matter what that you have love for them. We visited a few times over his last days, but in the end I still dont feel like I got the resolution I longed for. Thomas was a Welsh poet who wrote during the 20th century. And I even find myself acting the very same way" Keith Urban says his late dad Robert, who died in 2015, inspired his career in country music. Anytime I think about my dad, my head goes back to this. During sad times, beautiful and uplifting funeral poems can both rouse the spirits and calm the soul. After seeing him I came home and got really upset and couldnt understand why. He didnt see me get married, hes never met his grandchildren, he changed his number when I tried to reach out and now I believe he has changed his name. He pushed all of us away because he couldnt stop using drugs. My father passed away earlier this year, he had been completely absent for most of my life. NO. But oddly there is also an element of relief like this is the last time he will leave me. Our Loving Father God took the strength of a mountain & the majesty of a tree. Maybe they should do cards that say Im sorry you lost your father however it happened. How do I make decisions for a man that I never really knew. Its better with time, but as relieved as I am that Ill never receive another letter, Im sad for the loss of the dad I had for a spell and the dad he was and couldve continued to be. Thank you sharing your article. Over that time I have felt loss, guilt, sadness, emptiness, but most of all a longing for something that I never had and could never be. And I feel pain that his life ended with no one around him. If people take anything from this article it should be please reach out, Make contact, if you can attend the funeral. But I wanted to thankyou for writing it. I was startled by the dream I had about him that happened on the eve of his death. There is sadness and confused feeling of why am I sad; and also a stark reminder that one day, we all have to go. A vacation with the family can be more stressful than fun when everyone is crammed in a tiny hotel room. He roughly said, Get out and come on. When my sister opened the door he said, I dont want her. It was a hard decision and one I have regretted on occasion since his death but I made it for the right reasons. I therefore have very little from my childhood. I feel cheated as his wife did not tell me and I now feel I need to process this grief yet it doesnt seem that I deserve to feel grief as youre right, peoples opinion is that we didnt have a relationship anyway. I have to admit that friends messaged me who themselves had lost parents, and I dismissed my grief to them its not the same. Unconditional love is never forgotten. My estranged father died in February and today is his birthday. Seeking to escape the responsibilities of parenthood, the adult abandons responsibilities and connections. Xx, Im so sorry for your loss, Dana. My kids were born and there wasnt so much as a yay you spoken to me. Would You Be Hurt If You Discovered Your Ex Had An Affair During Your Marriage? And I dont mean that I expected him to come to soccer games or dinners. When I went to leave, I told him that I loved him and he was free to let go. And that is pretty sucky because he sure did miss out on some really great kids. Now with his loss putting my feelings into words is very hard and deeply complicated. We should not try to comfort the family by saying that "it was his time anyway", or, "he was suffering". I learned last night that my estranged father had died. My mourning has lessened greatly and I have healed immensely from the whole experience. There are no cards for Sorry your absent parent died. T he one person I could always take my troubles to. When I had children I did let him meet them but felt he didnt deserve them as I didnt want him making promises he couldnt keep as he did when I was a child. So after speaking to his family and his two younger daughters about the prognosis, we decided to take him off the ventilator. Where is the trust and the love? See more ideas about grief quotes, miss you dad, miss you mom. Atimeshare resaleoffers more space and a kitchen, so its perfect for families. I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. He has a new life with a new partner and her children and wants to forget the life he had before. After many years of this behavior from them, I have chosen to just live my life day to day. All these years they though I didnt wanted anything with him because my mom (that is another type of abuse case) told me bad things about him as a kid, I never told them my stories of my chasing phase because I didnt wanted to hurt them, since they loved him, now is harder because now everybody is hurting and Im back at being the invisible one, the one that according to them hated him anyway, so or they try to fix what Im feeling sending me angel wings and stuff like that to represent him, or they tell me I feel how I feel because I didnt forgave him, when I was just protecting myself for being abandoned again for the time number 1000. Still, my door is always there and its always open. Sometimes the conflicts cannot be resolved and divorce becomes the end result. Ive read this with interest, and tears in my eyes. I also felt warped guilt and sympathy because how he suffered I would not wish on anyone. Counselors often point to divorce as the most common cause of alienation between a parent and a child. The wisdom of the ages and the power of the eagle's flight, Remember those moments as the foundation for your feelings. Sometimes the hurt and hatred that one spouse has for the other creates the estrangement between the parent and the child. I was actually startled by the news. After a few years he stopped reaching out, and we learned he was living in a trailer on a family members piece of land. I think most people think of it as by my choice but the reality is he had made no effort to reconnect since i was sent a present by him on my 21st birthday, nearly 30 years ago. 8 existed, I didnt even knew the final total by then. Today has been really emotional and I have no idea why. My dad passed away recently but for the past 10 plus years or so, weve not had a very good relationship and hadnt spoken on the phone for nearly 6 months when I received a call to say he had passed. And although and he isnt here to speak up (not like he would anyway), this story is all mine. Hed spend his time talking about his wifes kids and his other grandkids. As I said I would probably have been the same before experiencing it for myself. The day before Xmas Eve. floor she is tall slender with long dark brown hair in ponytail pointed nose wide mouth innocent face she confides her estranged father is famous Chicago mobster Odysseus recognizes his name they . I am so sorry. I can say I have amazing friends, that might not understand, but they say they know is the 15 yrs old girl inside of me who is talking, others have decided to take distance, they couldnt deal with my intensity in this time or maybe didnt understand that I had a reason for it, after all we didnt had a relationship. He and my mom divorced when I was 5 months old, I chased him though my teen years dreaming with that relationship with him, until one day I went to his job to say hi and somebody told me he moved out of state, just like that, not even a goodbye, like I was nothing in his life. Thanks Karen, there are so many similar stories to ours. I do not want to read a memoir of grieving a father that the author knew, as that just feels offensive! I am 33 and sadly I cannot even remember exactly when I was told my father died, it was some time in the last 5 years and it was so painful and triggered long episodes of depression, so I do not really clearly recall when. And, whilst I dont have guilt, the feeling of regret is huge. Thank you again and sympathies to everyone grieving a loss. Whatever negative experiences might have occurred have probably changed him as well. I just know that one day they were divorced. Father Death Blues (Don't Grow Old, Part V) by Allen Ginsberg. Ive had several messages along the same lines. My mother and step father are incensed that I am mourning someone who treated me so poorly . He had another family now, so I knew he was ok. 8 years later he died. The news of the death of an estranged parent is something I found very hard to process and grieving the death of an estranged parent is very different to the loss of a present parent. Some people do not understand how I feel, namely my ex partner. Things are about to get really honest, personal and intense. Fast forward 10 yrs. I had received a message on Facebook stating that he had had a massive stroke and was in ICU and that it didnt look good for him. Honoring the death of a person who was difficult to love - A combo memorial service / shiva minyan can help you do so A few months ago, I had the complicated privilege of helping a family plan a memorial/shiva service for their father, who had died after a long illness, and after an even longer period of pain of estrangement from his four adult children, their spouses, and his grandchildren. I distanced myself from him as he wasnt someone you could have a relationship with. It would be good to know if there are any support groups out there for people going through this. The ramifications for children who are adopted even at a very young age are huge. He barely kept in contact over the years, it has been 25 years since we all separated. He just had zero parenting skills and was stuck in his own brokenness, shame and guilt and was not a healthy person to have a relationship with. I really am at the end of my tether. Dreams for a better relationship remain only that a dream. I often wondered how I would feel when he died. It took about 10 years before I could stop thinking about it, and then my brother died. This is the first mention Ive ever seen on this topic, and I read it with interest. My father estranged himself from almost everyone in our family once he and my mother formally separated a number of years ago after abuses escalated. So yes, I completely understand all of the ladies who have contributed to this page. Hed remarried not long before and she has kids so now I have grandkids so he spent a lot of time talking about them instead. Next, download our How to write a eulogy in 7 steps template in WORD or PDF. Its like these men think, hey I messed up first time around so Im going to be really nice to my new kids and pretend the first one(s) never happened. 2023 BDG Media, Inc. All rights reserved. Then he went in the army and found himself at the other end of the country where he remarried 6 years after leaving me. I cant find any books to help him navigate this difficult time. Sending Love to everyone. Again I imagine ideally you would share grief with others but when you are estranged you are just over there on your own and feels like nobody knows or cares. I still had no interest in a relationship with him but I somehow gained some perspective. Did you attend the funeral? why wasnt dad around more sober?. Thank you so much. My father ignored all of his old family at the funeral, which was very hard to cope with. I feel underapreciated and I have nothing else to say. For now, pieces like yours are extremely helpful. He did give me money for food and stuff but I had to shop cook and clean for myself from that age . When things werent going well, I made the decision to walk away. But, even if you don't choose to have a poem read at your loved one's funeral, we hope that some of these poets' words give you a moment of peace. He was a drunk and beat my mom. I just feel sad and Im not sure why. We have had a very complicated and tense relationship and havent spoke in a long time. (It seemed to be a copy and pasted letter sent to each child) this made me so angry, I felt insulted, if felt like an absolute blow fr nowhere that serves to knock me down even more as I had enough to deal without more sabotage from the grave. The death of an estranged parent means you're forced to grieve their death twice. First of all Im so sorry for your loss. I am surprised at the gut wrenching feelings. It was my choice to cut our ties. Yet here I am utterly devastated and beyond heartbroken I feel like a fraud and Im losing my mind. It took 3 years for me to stop feeling guilty about what happened. Its been just over two weeks since my father passed away. death of an estranged father poem. We didnt attend the funeral. I appreciate you. The death of an estranged parent means youre forced to grieve their death twice. For years I blamed myself. I swear I didnt feel nothing the last times I saw him, didnt even felt the word daddy to come out of my mouth, I though I grieved him back then. We know we were better off without them but it doesnt help that feeling of loss x, Thanks Niki, I dont think you will know how you feel until it actually happens. As far as I know he didnt contact me or try to- I grew up feeling unwanted and different I suppose as all my friends had dads. We were estranged for five years before she died, and wed been estranged when I was in my late teens / early twenties. I have worked in fostering and adoption for 15 years. I really thought I would be relieved when I found out he died. My mother was not skilled and needed help raising two young boys. Without going into all the details, my story is very similar to the other posts I have read on this site. Perhaps people are saying, but men sometimes dont think, in general. Will your condolences bring them peace? Tony and I got married and I wondered if hed walk me down the aisle. And thats the last time I saw him. We were over halfway through an hour-long ride when he turned the car around and drove all the way back to my sisters house. Part of me wants to confront my father before he dies, but I know it is futile, he will never apologise. And giving the dog beer in his bowl rather than water. It did not work. Sure enough, he had died on the same day of my dream. Im writing about this because parents die and when they do, its extremely hard. It brought back feeling of anger and betrayal, and longing for what couldve been. Years went by and he didnt contact me. I appreciate that you shared your story as I feel less of a fraud being so sad for someone I dont really know. I often wonder how Ill feel when he dies, and I have ensured I have ties to his siblings so that I know about it. The Death of Estranged. My father recently lost his father whom he had a very horrible relationship with and is having a heard time grieving. by . If you were estranged from the deceased person, you might no longer be in contact or close with their family. I was crying, because, as many of you know, I don't do well with change. He usually wouldnt come; in fact, he only came to two, but when he did, it was strained. As I said you have a lot of feelings and nowhere in particular to direct them. During the first three to four months after her death I didnt really sleep that well and to this day have absolutely no idea how I functioned at work. And it felt good to cry and have someone understand how I was feeling. I dont even remember my parents not getting along. death of an estranged father poem. I dont want to be angry anymore and I dont want to be sad either. However its not like that at all. I always loved him, much as his capacity to hurt me scared me. I can only imagine how painful that was for him. Thank you for your comment and it is very interesting and has always been something I wondered about. He didnt care to know that Emily taught herself how to play guitar, that she loves horses and can sing like crazy. He had been feeling bad but didnt have health insurance or a way to get to the doctor. Thank you. That must have been particularly hurtful to watch a distanced/ online funeral and here yourself be overlooked again. Then I found that things became easier, but grief is a strange beast. But I never gave him a thought because my mom remarried and I have the most amazing father I could have ever imagined could exist on this earth. Funeral Poems for an Aunt or Uncle Who Died Suddenly If you recently lost a loved one who was taken from you unexpectedly, here are some funeral poems you might consider for the services. First, read the following opening and closing examples for difficult relationships. Although I have some good memories and some things that I appreciate because of him, I had deep hurt and betrayal. Three and a half years later and I still have issues with it (mostly when my temper flares, the temper I inherited from him). I found out in Facebook- she sent me a friend request from a new account, I had added her a few years earlier and she hadnt replied to my queries about my dad. But strangely enough, Id never thougt about it from this angle. I feel angry and entitled to something . I felt hurt for my mum as well. I found out this week that my father died from covid last October. The years may pass, memories fade to grey, but you're getting no younger; you'll see them someday. I have recognised that this Will resentment is not the case but it is purely a vehicle for the loss of my father over 35 years of on/off estrangement, the last one being only 18 months up to his death. The warmth of a summer sun, the calm of a quiet sea. I havent had a relationship with him since I was 5, Im now 41. I went early that morning and just sat with him. When I found out for sure that my father died I told my husband who decided that we really needed to go to the funeral. We havent talked about it since. I felt guilty for accepting sympathy from someone who was grieving their REAL parent, but I shouldnt have. Bee, you did a reading for me once that affirmed so many things about my relationship with my parents when they were alive. Death closes the door on reconciliation. He moved to an another state when I was 4. The responsibility fell upon me to arrange everything and it was just such a strange experience, I didnt feel like I was worthy of peoples sympathies because I didnt feel that devastating sense of loss. Thank for you posting this. She doted on her 2 nd and 3 born children. Although he lives in the same small town as I do, I almost never see him, and although in his 70s, he remarried. Although my father was an addict as an adult I wanted a relationship with him but it never worked out. I did attend the funeral, I went in after everyone and left early. I didn't see my father when I was growing up, after the age of about 9. He had no job, no car, nothing to his name when he died. I wrote him a very long letter and put my feelings all out there. Words are left unsaid. I just got a call 3 days ago, again he was hospitalized and not expected to live beyond a few days. Of Easter Sunday, running up and down the dirt road to the shop, getting lost on wooded trails and pretending the propane tank in their front yard was a pommel horse for our gymnastics shows. I didnt expect him to die at the age he did, I did not consider he would get memory loss. One day when I have money, I will be seeing a therapist. I did not see my dad since he left when I was 3, and we were not particularly bonded and I dont remember it being loving. I did not expect to grieve and be devastated by the death of someone I had never loved, and had never had a relationship with me. This blood is thicker than water stuff . She let me sort my feelings out on my own. Best wishes to all x. Doesnt that sound terrible to say about your own parent? The loss of what could of been is breaking my heart as much as my fathers passing. New Poem by Sharon Wildey Coming home to people who love me When I am allowed to come home again To those who love me I will be healed I will laugh again, and cry again My nightmares will fade away. This made me feel like a fool as he had already forgotten I existed, so literally its like I never existed and he got away with treating me like that and abandoning me. My estranged father passed away two weeks ago. Grief for an estranged parent is very complicated. I am glad that you have supportive friends and make sure you lean on them when you need to.